Look! Shiny! And why people today suck ass…

I used to blog at Blogger. If you’ve ever tried using Blogger, you’ll understand why I don’t anymore. If you haven’t, be very, very (very very very very) grateful. And if you, for some god awful, self-hating reason desire to read my past blog entries, go here. If you’ve already read them because you’re making the hop with me to my brand new shiny platform… I’m so sorry. Really.

I need to stop starting sentences with the word “if.”

Anyway! Now that we’ve gotten through the whole “Look at my pretty new awesomeness!” thing, I can get on to what I really want to talk about: why people today suck ass. I’m in a snarky mood, people. Be warned. You may very well be offended by what I’m about to write (type?) and though I was raised in true Southern girl niceness tradition, I really don’t give a flying fuck today. I will happily give you The Death Stare and cut you off at the knees with my kick ass Jedi mind powers. My grandmother would be appalled… but I think I’m okay with that, too.

People today suck ass because:

  1. They think that just because they’re down on their luck, that other people are required to help them. Oh, and not just help them… support them. If I hear one more sad ass sorry motherfucker complain that someone owes them something just because they happened to live a better life, I will rip my hair out and garrote someone with it. You want something? Work for it. You need help? That’s what charities are for. Get off your lazy ass and find one, and ask for some fucking help from someone who’s actually offering it.
  2. They think that because they’re a) old, b) disabled, c) ignorant, or d) some other form of handicapped, that they can get away with being a jackass. My cousin has lived 99% of his life in a wheelchair, and one thing I was always told was Do. Not. Treat. Him. Differently. If he’s being an asshole, he’s being an asshole. Plain and simple. Treat him like any other asshole on the face of the earth. It is not an excuse!
  3. They think that just because they’re entitled to an opinion, that they’re also entitled to bash you over the head with it. This one really pisses me off. The instant you become an expectant mother, for example, you will be open season for everyone with a functional mouth and half a functional brain cell. People think your life — and your body — is now public property. And don’t think it ever ends. Your kids will be in college, married with their own offspring, or even looking for the nice-but-not-god-awful-expensive nursing home to put your ass in, and you will still be getting comments from the peanut gallery. Shut. The fuck. Up. Unless there’s a crime being committed, it falls into the category of Not Your Business.
  4. They think “politically correct” is a way of life we should all be living. Um, no. I can’t call a black person black, I have to call them “African-American” but they can call me white? All because some dumb fucks back in days no one currently alive can accurately remember (no, your great aunt Esther who thinks she’s Abe Lincoln’s wife does not count) enslaved a bunch of black people. So? Did I do it? No? Then screw you. I’m a goodly portion Irish, and at one point in this country, the Irish were persecuted. No one would employ them, they were turned away from many an establishment, but no one makes some big hoo-ha over being called “Irish-Americans.” Well, no one sane, anyway. Get over yourselves. And as a matter of fact, if you can identify yourself a certain way (say, oh, the “n” word) then by god, so can I. You’re not special. This is not a high-school clique system.
  5. They think common courtesy is dead. Honestly, there are days I wonder if anyone’s ever heard the words before. If you bump into someone, apologize. If you burp, excuse yourself. Etcetera. And for god’s sake, hang up the fucking phone when you interact with a customer service person! Talking on your cell phone when you’re waiting in line at the store is one thing, but when the person at the register tries interacting with you, hang the fuck up. You came to them for a service, not the other way around. And don’t you dare bitch when they didn’t notice that coupon you tucked between the cereal boxes because you were too damn busy with your conversation to have the basic decency to bring it to their attention. And by the way, snapping your fingers at them like a dog and pointing emphatically at the coupon is not acceptable. The next person I see do this will get a swift kick in the ass.

Seriously, people, get your heads out of your asses and start listening to that little voice in your head. No, not the one that keeps insisting chocolate is a food group. (We all know he’s right.) The one that sounds vaguely like your mother when you were three and she was attempting to teach you to be a useful human being. Only when that voice goes silent in shock at the blatant rudeness of others can you listen to the little voice that screams, “Smack them. For the love of all that is holy, smack them.” And make it a good smack, people. Maybe it’ll wake up their own little voice of reason.

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